Rant of Depression in My Life
by lillianwillsurvive
Summary: Here is a short explanation as to the emotional struggle I go through on my free time. I constantly justify it in my head. Please don't be rude about anything I said because I was completely honest with how I feel. This does take a higher understanding level to read and comprehend, but bear with me this is how my brain talks when it is being smart. Have fun!


I frequently wonder what compels men and women have children only to treat them as shit. If you have the nerve to bring another life into this world you must take the time to nurture it and fulfill some of it's wishes so as to give it some form of happiness and love.  
When said acts are neglected it is quite often that said offspring relies on those around them to be the support and family members. One who behaves like I myself do though, avoiding placing the burden of my pain on anyone else because I feel they already carry to much grief in their hearts.  
Yet I understand others desire to understand my actions, me being a naturally more... aggressive and blunt person. I try to explain the meaning behind my action but am misunderstood when doing so.  
I was raised to believe violence was a way of showing affection, through my siblings and parents. Seeing as theses people have abandoned the attention desired by myself, I turn to the comrades I have made at school. The only way I know how to show that I care, other than the instinct of defending them from harm, is to physically assert myself.  
Being in the society today and being that I was raised in such a way I am often found slightly psychotic, and am often ignored I conversations, as an outcast, even though I am generally liked.  
It isn't in human nature to be introverts though. I fight against what I am becoming, instinct telling me to find someone to trust. No one realizes how hard that is though, in this world of lies and want for power and triumph, even amongst youths.  
I have seen what the isolation has done to my sister and what it is doing to me. I am becoming increasingly sadistic and can't bring myself to care about the things that matter most of my generation. I tend to be extremely passionate about a project, then become involved on to many things at once and overwhelm myself, in a search to find one thing that the community truly needs me for.  
When I finally find something I care about it is something that others my age generally look down upon or laughed at because it is overly ambitious, or something that is a useless contribution to society. Then when these skills I have acquired are put to the test, it is always they, the weaker, who prevail for reasons I cannot fathom. But when the final trial comes it becomes truly clear who would have been the Even when I do prevail in leading the event, I have no one who truly matters to say kind words about my performance and skill.  
I constantly find that, no matter how many lies they tell, how harsh they are, or how cold and hateful, I cannot feel hatred to those who maintain my necessities. So instead the deep dislike tears me apart but I always bend the anger toward my self because I feel I have not done enough to prove myself, or that I could do more than I am willing.  
This is also felt when I get the looks of disdain from the said friends from above. I often make up stories in my head of a past that is not true to make myself feel more normal compared to these people that I am trying to fit in with.  
So in all of this conversation and pain, I beat myself on the inside. I dare not leave marks upon my skin that others could see and worry about. I did once but when I noticed the attention it grabbed it scared me. I do however understand those can do it without shame and hope they find the resolve to live I did.  
I have often thought of death and what others reactions would be if I suddenly were to leave their world. Who would care, and would be devastated and who's pain would be lessened with me gone.  
Then I think to myself, there are so many other things I can do with my life to spite those who have hurt me. I have decided that rubbing away and never coming back would be the best option, along with shutting down all multimedia accounts such as this one. I want to prove to myself that I can live without the family everyone feels they need to feel loved. I don't want to be loved by these liars. Instead of dying I will leave and recreate myself to be exactly who I want to be, and hope to encourage others who are lost to do the same.  
Some think I need help, that I should see a councilor. I have tried, but every anonymous person I have found wants to preach to me about some stupid god that I don't want to hear about. I'm sorry if this offends people, but honestly someone who can't show his face to the subjects he rules is no god.  
So that is just a little ran I felt the need to share... from the heart.


End file.
